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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27025006">electric indigo</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeplessthrills/pseuds/sleeplessthrills'>sleeplessthrills</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>paper kites [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ITZY (Band), Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Chan was young and foolish but who isn't!, Chef!Ryujin, F/M, Post-Break Up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:47:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,561</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27025006</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeplessthrills/pseuds/sleeplessthrills</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The amount of silt green in the wall reminds him of a certain someone who would love this aesthetic. And as his eyes wander around the rest of the room, it lands squarely on a person for which the familiarity of this place reminds him of. And that’s how he finds himself staring at Shin Ryujin.</p><p>“Chris…” there’s a certain warmth to the way she says the name that makes him feel like he’s 18 again. So the smile that eases onto his face is a lopsided, dimpled one, “Ryujin-ah…” it comes out hoarse like he was still a naive university student with big pipe dreams.</p><p>-</p><p>Chan and Ryujin reconnect in their late 20s.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Shin Ryujin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>paper kites [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003284</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>electric indigo</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm not very well-versed in either fandoms or groups - just a happy onlooker for both of the groups' careers, so the characterization is based on nothing but my own imagination of what they'd be like as people in this AU.</p><p>Enjoy the story!</p><p>A huge thank you to the lovely Phia for beta-ing this for me! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="">It starts like this:</p><p class="">He got of the cab in front of an alleyway in Hongdae when he sees Brian standing in front of a cafe. He hurries his steps and almost jogs towards the end of the alley when he notices the name of the cafe. It almost stops him in his tracks because it brings up a certain memory to mind.</p><p class="">“Was it hard to find?” Brian asks, referring to the small alleyway behind him. Chris shakes his head, “It wasn’t bad. Is this a new cafe?” he squints at the name written on the glass window. It’s a familiar name, which is odd since he’s sure that he’s never been to this side of Hongdae before. “It just opened last year,” Ayeon, Brian’s fiancee, answers. Chris leans in for a quick hug with her before taking another step back, trying to will his brain to remember why this name seemed so familiar.</p><p class="">His phone beeps and he fishes it out of his pocket. An email with the minutes from a meeting that he’s currently missing. He was just about to scroll through the notes when Brian’s hand hovers over his phone, “No work stuff.”</p><p class="">Chris rolls his eyes and makes a big show of shoving the phone into his pocket, “Fine. No work stuff during this very important cake tasting.”</p><p class="">Brian nods in approval. Truthfully, Chris is happy to be able to be part of this wedding in any and all capacity. He was happy to design everything relating to the wedding - the invitation, program, etc - and was sad when Brian said that they had to give the job to one of Ayeon’s cousins who was needing work. Brian and Ayeon both are among his closest friends and he just wants to be helpful. So when Brian invites him to this cake tasting, he eagerly agreed.</p><p class="">A wonderful smell immediately wafts in the air when Brian opened the door of the cafe. Chris marvels at the interior of the cafe that is both clean and sleek while still maintaining some earthy touches with the wooden tables and windowsills. The amount of silt green in the wall reminds him of a certain someone who would love this aesthetic. And as his eyes wander around the rest of the room, it lands squarely on a person for which the familiarity of this place reminds him of.</p><p class="">And that’s how he finds himself staring at Shin Ryujin.</p><p class="">She doesn’t notice him because she’s busy wiping at the imaginary spot on one of the white plates on the table. He’s willing to bet that that cake was already impeccable and that Ryujin is just being her usual perfectionist self.</p><p class="">She’s beautiful. She has always been beautiful. She fusses about the table with the same ease that she has always had - there’s a coolness to Ryujin that always sets her apart from the rest. But at 27 years old, there’s an added confidence to her that he’s seeing for the first time. Her steps seem more sure as she walks around the table, moving the cutlery so that it is even more perfect than it already is.</p><p class="">Chris knows that he probably looks ridiculous and he can tell that Brian notices this as well - he can see Brian’s furrowed brows which will most definitely lead to an interrogation later during lunch (Chris is already mentally groaning at this because this means he’s gonna miss another meeting). He tries to neutralize his expression and that’s when she finally notices him. He watches her cycle through a host of different expressions and feelings until it settles into a tight, controlled smile, which breaks his heart a little because it’s an expression he hasn’t seen before.</p><p class="">“Chris…” there’s a certain warmth to the way she says the name that makes him feel like he’s 18 again. So the smile that eases onto his face is a lopsided, dimpled one, “Ryujin-ah…” it comes out hoarse like he was still a naive university student with big pipe dreams. Like she was the person he thought that he would marry and be doing cake tastings with. Like he wasn’t about to drop everything and change the course of his life for her.</p><p class="">The sound of a throat clearing brings him back to the present and he finds Brian and Ayeon stare at him with intent interest. He’s still formulating an explanation, an answer that wouldn’t discount what she meant/means to him when she beats him to it. “We went to Mel U together,” her words come out neutral - she’s always been better at that than him, better at not wearing her heart on her sleeves. So he nods along, careful to keep the disappointment off of his face. He knows that her words are true and yet it isn’t at the same time.</p><p class="">“Shall we get this cake tasting going?” she leads them to the table and motions for everyone to take a seat.</p><p class="">Chris isn’t surprised at all when he sees the three artfully plated cake slices before him. Ryujin has always been an incredible baker and photos of him during his university days could serve as proof of how much he has benefited from this (as much as he tries to exercise, his will was weak when it comes to baked goods). He looks around the cafe again to take it in and could not help but to whistle, “You finally did it.” She blushes at his compliment and nods, “Yep. Do you recognize the name?”</p><p class="">He furrows his brows for a moment before it finally clicks. It’s from a conversation they had six years ago. “<em>En route</em>,” he says quietly, his mind wandering back to a different place and a different time. “You named this place?” Brian asks, his voice doing that high-pitched, teasing thing. “Sort of…” Chris says just as Ryujin says, “Yes.” They look at each other for a split second before breaking out into easy laughter. He can’t stop the warmth spreading from his chest. The sound of her laughter and the sight of the whisker dimples on her cheeks still does that.</p><p class="">“I owe the name to him,” she says to Ayeon and Brian, “If it wasn’t for him, maybe this cafe would not be here.”</p><p class="">Chris wonders if it’s acceptable for a 27-year old to be blushing because he is and he looks away in an attempt to hide it.</p><p class="">“You said you guys went to Melbourne University together?” Ayeon asks.</p><p class="">Chris is still mulling over what to say when once again, Ryujin beat him to it. “We dated for a bit,” she says, keeping her eyes on Ayeon.</p><p class="">“Why did you guys break up?” Brian asks.</p><p class="">This time, Chris answers, which feels like it was the least he could do, “I was an idiot.” He can see a tight smile on Ryujin’s lips before she says, “We were young…”</p><p class="">Ayeon eyes him before turning to Ryujin, “I’m taking his word on this,” she smiles conspiratorially because <em>of course</em> she’s already on Ryujin’s side despite being his friend for half a decade. He completely deserves it though - he knows that.</p><p class="">“So the first cake is an earl grey with lemon buttercream,” she begins as she points to a three-layered white cake with pale yellow frosting in between. She motions to the three forks by the table and they all dig in.</p><p class="">“Oh my god,” Brian exclaimed almost immediately, eyes closed, “This is incredible,” he says when he opened his eyes. He always looks like this when food is concerned and while typically Chris would warn people to not take it seriously, he knows that this time the reaction is appropriate because the cake is delicious.</p><p class="">“It’s amazing,” Ayeon says.</p><p class="">“It is,” Chris adds and he sees Ryujin blush slightly at the compliment. <em>Cute, very cute… </em>he thinks.</p><p class="">“The second cake is vanilla with strawberry and basil preserves,” she explains and they dutifully dig in.</p><p class="">Brian, predictably, reacts like this is the best thing in the world (he’s not wrong in this instance) while Ayeon and Chris agree.</p><p class="">“The third one is chocolate with Kahlua-infused espresso soak and raspberry buttercream,” she says of the last cake and predictably, everyone oohs and aahs upon tasting.</p><p class="">“This is impossible,” Brian says as he leans back on his chair, sounding legitimately dejected. Chris laughs because his friend truly does have a flair for the dramatics when it comes to food. But he sees that Ayeon looks equally perplexed. “Is it ridiculous to have three wedding cakes?” Brian suggests, half genuinely, and is met with an eye roll from his fiancee.</p><p class="">“Just wait until she brings out the surprise fourth cake she has prepared in the kitchen,” Chris pipes up, smiling knowingly at Ryujin who just grins.</p><p class="">“Really?” Brian sits up straighter, leaning on the table. Ayeon links her arms around his naturally as she leans forward too.</p><p class="">Ryujin gets up and walks to the kitchen quietly before appearing with a plate containing what looks like a mini, three-tier wedding cake. The cake is sparsely frosted with white buttercream on the outside and is decorated with green leaves that resemble olive branches. It’s simple and even just by the sight of it, Chris can imagine how well this cake will fit with the rest of Brian and Ayeon’s wedding. The aesthetic of it, at least.</p><p class="">“It’s an olive oil cake with honey buttercream,” she explains as she fishes out three little golden forks from her apron pocket. The cake renders Brian speechless and Ayeon just looks at Ryujin and says, “This is it.”</p><p class="">Moments later, Chris finds himself walking around the cafe, taking in every corner of the place while Ayeon and Ryujin talk specifics on the table. He feels Brian walk up to him and he braces himself for interrogation.</p><p class="">“I cannot wait to hear how badly you fucked up,” he says.</p><p class="">Chris pretends to be offended for a second, “Why do you assume that it was bad?”</p><p class="">“Pfft,” Brian scoffs as he glances over to the two ladies, “Besides, I’ve never seen you this unsettled in front of a girl. You were calmer when you had to meet Kim Tae Hee.” Chris shrugs in defeat because there’s no use in denying it. If he was to make a word cloud with all the things he’s feeling right now, it would contain words like ‘nervous’ ‘shy’ ‘scared’ ‘excited’ and ‘hopeful?’ In other words, Chris is a mess and it is clear as day to everyone.</p><p class="">“What are you thinking?” Brian asks after a few beats of silence.</p><p class="">He sighs. “I don’t know,” he answers. <em>I don’t know what I have the right to… </em>he adds to himself as he stares at the beautifully designed sign at the wall.</p><p class="">***</p><p class="">Ryujin is a professional.</p><p class="">This is what she tells herself as she speaks to her customer about the height of each tier, drawing a diagram in her sketchbook, even though her mind is distinctly elsewhere. On the other end of her café, to be precise… and currently closely surveying the display of cakes on the counter. <em>Did I put out that cake? </em>she wonders, trying to recall which cake she brought out before this meeting. <em>Focus, Ryujin!</em> she mentally shakes herself to focus on the smiling woman in front of her.</p><p class="">“Do you want to do a second tasting next week? I’ll have all the same options we have today so that you can be sure. Maybe your parents would like to come too? Or anyone else in the wedding party,” Ryujin offers and she can see Ayeon light up at the suggestion. “Is that okay?” she asks and Ryujin nods, “Just tell me how many will be coming. We can do after the café closes if that works better for everyone.” Ayeon’s smile confirms it and Ryujin excuses herself to grab the order sheet from the office. When she comes out, the three of them are standing in front of one of the cakes, talking animatedly. Their chatter stops when she approaches.</p><p class="">“Can I buy this?” Chris points to the cake on the stand. It’s one of their best sellers - peanut butter layer cake with apple preserves and oat crumble on top. She nods and smiles, the kind she gives to her customers even though her mind is reeling at all of this. She hears Brian read the placard with the name of the cake as she moves to the back counter, grateful to be able to hide the redness on her cheeks.</p><p class="">She has never been willing to answer that question from everyone – Yuna, her employees, some customers – about the name of the cake. Despite everything that happened, she couldn’t bring herself to name it anything else. This cake – this creation of hers – will always be one tied to her memory of baking in the tiny kitchen of her apartment in Melbourne and the smile that it elicited from Chris’ face anytime he took a bite.</p><p class="">She recalls the first time she decided to make this cake. He had always loved eating apples and peanut butter – an odd food combination that she never considered until she met him. So for his birthday, she decided to experiment and created this – it was only a two-layer cake at the time and the apple preserve was store-bought. But she remembers how happy it made him, the dimple that immediately appeared on his right cheek upon seeing the cake for the first time. That might’ve been the moment that she realized that she was a goner for him – that she’d do just about anything for that right dimple.</p><p class="">She closes the white box carefully and brings it over to the other counter, bending down to grab a paper bag in the process. She slides the bag over to him and when he makes a move to pay, she quickly shakes her head.</p><p class="">“On the house,” she says, “Since it’s named after you.”</p><p class="">The smile that appeared on Chris’s lips makes her heart squeeze.</p><p class="">“Thank you,” he says and she looks away to hide her smile.</p><p class="">“Alright. Well… this has been really fun,” Ayeon’s fiancée says, his tone mischievous and teasing. “We’ll see you next week. I’ll let you know the number by the end of this week,” Ayeon adds. Ryujin follows them out and stops by the door, waving them goodbye before letting out a deep breath.</p><p class="">As she goes about opening and running the café, her mind keeps drifting back to Chris and what it means to see him again. <em>Maybe it doesn’t mean anything, </em>she tells herself as she prepares their staff lunch – a simple cacio e pepe with leftover bossam from yesterday’s dinner special. She’s cracking black pepper onto the pan as she considers what exactly it is <em>she </em>wants.</p><p class="">Things had started out so well for them. They met during their first year of university; they coincidentally sat next to each other in a microeconomics class. He seemed so at ease - a stark contrast to her jitteriness. They bonded over their mutual hatred for their major (they were both business students) and they became fast friends. By the middle of their second year, they were dating and it had been a whirlwind of romance. They were great together – his inability to sit still help Ryujin come out of her shell, while her calmness anchored Chris to the ground.</p><p class="">At the end of their last year in university, they had to come to terms with reality. She had gotten a job in a well-known dessert bar in Sydney while he was staying in Melbourne for his job at JP Morgan. They tried long-distance and naively thought it would work out, but it didn’t. <em>Of course, it didn’t, </em>she tells herself now, chiding her foolish 21-year-old self for thinking that love was enough.</p><p class="">“Uhh… boss… are you experimenting with something new?” the voice of one of her employees brings her back to reality and she finds the pan covered – absolutely covered – in black pepper. She sets the grinder down, “No. Sorry. I’ll make a new batch,” she grins sheepishly.</p><p class="">She needs to focus on.</p><p class="">So Ryujin does what she always does when she needs to focus: she bakes. She told her employees to go home early and that she’ll close up the café. Instead of cleaning like she’s supposed to, she instead starts to mixing ingredients and before she knows it, she’s piping bright red macarons on the Silpat-lined baking tray. By the time she finishes assembling the last raspberry miso macarons, she feels considerably more centered and calm. She surveys the damage that she’s done to their kitchen and sighs.</p><p class="">It’s almost 2:00 am and cleaning will take at least another hour. She considers her options and decides to just set her alarm an hour early so that she can come in and clean in the morning.</p><p class="">Christopher Bang puts her off her kilter like no one else could.</p><p class="">One week later, she finds herself checking the clock incessantly. “Do you have a date tonight?” one of her employees asks. She laughs and shakes her head. “I wish,” she says in return as she heads back into the kitchen – her one safe space.</p><p class="">By the time 10:00 pm rolls around (her café closes in an hour and by now, it’s empty enough that she’s comfortable having tastings with clients), Ayeon and Brian arrive with a group in tow. A woman with long blonde hair walks in with her arm around Chris’ arm and Ryujin finds herself stiffening slightly at the sight. She shouldn’t be surprised, she has no right to be. They broke a long long time ago. So she smiles and ushers them into the corner where a table of six has been prepared.</p><p class="">“Hi,” Chris says, “How have you been?” he asks in his distinctly Australian accent.</p><p class="">“Good,” she lies because saying <em>Pretty restless because of you </em>is definitely unacceptable, especially with the eyes and ears watching them with keen interest.</p><p class="">“The cake was to die for,” he says and she replies with a smile, “Thanks,” before turning to the crowd.</p><p class="">“Before we get on with the tasting, would anyone like something to drink? It’s pretty late, so we have an assortment of teas or coffee if you prefer,” she says, unable to resist a look at Chris at the word ‘coffee’. He grins – that right dimple making an appearance.</p><p class="">She remembers days when he would arrive at her doorstep at 07:00 am with a cup of coffee, bothering her as she got ready for class, and falling asleep on her couch as she walked out the door. Hours later, she’d come home to him, in the exact same spot as she left him, the cup of coffee completely empty.</p><p class="">“I’ll take the lemongrass white tea that I had last time,” Ayeon says, so Ryujin motions for one of the employees to come with the menu and the order sheet.</p><p class="">“What was the cake you had last time? You said it was really good,” the blonde woman asks and Ryujin could practically hear the excitement emanating from Brian who immediately answers, “Chris’ grumpy cake!”</p><p class="">“That’s what it’s called?” a guy sitting at the other end of the table asks. “Hyung… you didn’t tell me you have a cake named after you,” another one of the guys says and she could see Chris sigh in defeat.</p><p class="">“Yah yah… could you guys just…” Chris stops himself, his face pleading and it only makes the teasing worse as they turn to Ryujin with incredible interest “What did hyung do to earn that honor?” one of them asks her.</p><p class="">“There’s not much to say,” she answers, unsure of how much of their past she should be sharing with the group.</p><p class="">“Can we get on with the cake tasting please?” Chris pleads. Everyone chuckles but says nothing, so she disappears into the kitchen, taking the time to breathe and collect herself before walking out with a tray of miniature cakes.</p><p class="">“To make it a more fair assessment, here’s how each cake would be decorated as a wedding cake with Ayeon and Brian’s wedding concept in mind,” she explains and her audience look captivated by the little delicate details she’s put into each mini cake. She smiles – this is always her favorite part of cake tastings, seeing people’s reactions to her creation. They go through each cake like they did last time and by the end of it, Ayeon and Brian choose on the fourth cake – the same one they liked during the previous tasting.</p><p class="">“They’re all so good…” Brian sighs, sounding genuinely sad, “Should we have four cakes? Is that too much?” he suggests. In response, Ayeon just smiles and places her palm on his cheek.</p><p class="">“I thought olive oil is just for pasta,” the guy who introduces himself as Changbin says. “What does a rich guy like you know about cooking?” the other one, he says his name is Jisung, retorts back, eliciting laughter from the rest of the group. Sana, the blonde woman, leans forward, “I will only eat cake here and nowhere else. I can’t believe you dated a pastry chef and didn’t tell me!” she hits Chris’ shoulder. “Ouch… noona, that hurts,” he pouts, “What does that have to do with anything? She’s the pastry chef. I just eat.”</p><p class="">Ryujin smiles – they’re clearly a close-knit group and despite everything, she’s glad to see Chris surrounded by people who make him happy. That right dimple…</p><p class="">“Boss…” the last employee in her café says from the door, bowing slightly in greeting before leaving. She told them that she’ll close and that they could go home since it’s already close to midnight.</p><p class="">“Let’s go back. I have class tomorrow,” Ayeon says, standing up, and the rest starts following suit. They are all near the door when Sana asks, “Ryujin-ssi, do you live nearby?” Ryujin smiles and answers, “It’s near enough.”</p><p class="">“You should take Ryujin-ssi home. I’ll ride home with Jisungie,” Sana says and Ryujin doesn’t miss the grin on everyone’s face – everyone except Chris and her.</p><p class="">She shakes her head, “No no. It’s okay. I have a cab that I always call that’ll take me home.” The group erupts into a chorus of no’s and it’s apparent that they will not leave until she agrees.</p><p class="">“Ah…” Chris shuffles on his feet, turning to her slightly, “Is that okay?”</p><p class="">She finally nods, “Sure.”</p><p class="">The rest of them make a quick exit, smiling and smirking mischievously as they walked away.</p><p class="">“Sorry… subtlety is really not their strongest suit,” Chris grins sheepishly. Ryujin shakes her head with a smile, “It’s fine, honestly. You don’t have to stay. It’ll take me another hour to close.”</p><p class="">“What can I do?” he asks, “I’ll take these to the back, yeah?” he gestures towards the cups and plates on their table. He begins to stack them up before Ryujin can say anything, so she lets him. They work in companionable silence for the next thirty minutes, not saying much beyond simple instructions. By the time Ryujin locks the door to the darkened café, the street is empty and she’s sure that it’s close to 01:00 am.</p><p class="">“Thank you for your help,” she turns to Chris, knowing full well that it would’ve taken her twice the amount of time had he not stayed.</p><p class="">“Do you work late like this a lot?” he asks.</p><p class="">She considers for a moment, “Kind of? I usually prefer to do tasting during the day but clients usually have work. And when I have an itch to bake, I usually stay back and close.”</p><p class="">He nods slowly before turning to the main street, “My car’s that way.”</p><p class="">***</p><p class="">Never in a million years would Chris imagine that he would ever see Ryujin in his car. Back in Melbourne, neither of them had a car, relying mostly on the bus and tram. So seeing her buckled on the seat next to him is making him feel somewhat unsettled and he can’t stop glancing at her to make sure that she’s real.</p><p class="">“How’s Felix doing?” she asks after a few minutes of silence.</p><p class="">“He’s doing well. Still in Melbourne,” he answers. Suddenly he considers what his younger brother would say if he tells him about tonight. Maybe Felix will laugh at him or just scoff in his face.</p><p class="">“Did he end up going to culinary school?” she asks. He remembers how quickly Ryujin had bonded with Felix over their love for food. He also remembers how long it took for Felix to not scowl at him after Ryujin broke up with him. “No. Business school,” he shakes his head.</p><p class="">“Still, huh?” she grimaces.</p><p class="">“Well. When Dad couldn’t get his eldest to follow in his footsteps, he turns to the next kid in line,” he tries to keep his tone light but he’s not sure that he’s succeeding.</p><p class="">“I’m sure he’s proud of you. How could he not? You started your own business and everyone wants to work with you…”</p><p class="">Chris smiles. It makes him ridiculously happy to hear all that – that after all these days, Ryujin still gets him. “How do you know? Did you Google me?” he asks.</p><p class="">Even in the darkness of the car, he could tell that she’s blushing. <em>Cute.</em></p><p class="">“We have mutual friends! So your Instagram comes up and sometimes…” she trails off.</p><p class=""><em>Instagram, </em>he groans. He remembers the day he realized that she no longer follows him. It was a month after they broke up and he was looking at her profile, looking through the people she follows for some stupid insecure reason. When he saw that his name is not there, it felt like someone poured a bucket of ice all over. Ryujin no longer wanted to know anything about him and he can’t blame her. He had been an absolute dick, before and after they broke up. He’d partied and slept with a few girls, and made no attempt to hide it. He’s not sure why he did it – did he want to hurt her? Hadn’t he hurt her enough? But he was young and stupid and was just… the worst version of himself.</p><p class="">Ryujin clears her throat, “Anyway… the point is… it’s impossible for them not to be proud of you.”</p><p class="">She sounds so sincere and it makes Chris want to stop the car and pull her into a hug. Even though he doesn’t need to hear it from anyone, he never realized how much he needed to hear it from her too – how much it means coming from her. So “thank you,” is all he says instead.</p><p class="">Later that night, he sits in his home office and types her name in the search bar and scrolls through her profile. There’s a pang of envy that there are thousands of people who knows a part of her that he doesn’t – the Ryujin of the past six years that he’s only met last week. He sees pictures after pictures of cakes and desserts – no picture containing humans, not even herself. His finger hovers over the Follow button for a few minutes before deciding to tap.</p><p class="">“Ahhhh…” he groans into his hands before placing his phone in the drawer and slams it shut.</p><p class="">When he wakes up, he sees a notification that he has a new follower. Before allowing himself to overthink it, he types a message and hit Send.</p><p class="">***</p><p class="">
  <em>Thanks for following back.</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">She stares at the message for a few minutes before double-tapping it. She puts her phone down loudly, drawing attention from her sister who is sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal. “What was that?” Yuna asks.</p><p class="">Ryujin sighs and fixes herself a bowl of cereal before joining Yuna on the couch. “Chris followed me on Instagram,” she tries to keep her voice casual.</p><p class="">Predictably, Yuna shifts her body to face her and gasps aloud, “Chris? Christopher Bang? Chanie oppa?”</p><p class="">Ryujin nods.</p><p class="">“Wah… I thought just his name is persona non grata in this household,” Yuna says and Ryujin turns to face her with a frown. “I never said that,” she protests. Yuna rolls her eyes, “He might as well be. You used to flinch when his name comes up.” Ryujin considers for a moment before sighing quietly.</p><p class="">Her sister is right. Their break up was pretty dramatic and took an emotional toll in ways that she did not think possible. He wasn’t her first boyfriend but he was probably the first one she ever truly loved, and when they broke up, it felt like a significant part of her world collapsed in on her. There were so many tears, ice cream, and late nights at the kitchen where she would distract herself with whatever work was left. Her boss had to tell her to go home because they’d be violating labor laws by having her here past her allotted work hours.</p><p class="">“I trust you and your judgment, but I’m just gonna say that I’m not okay with this,” says Yuna. Ryujin nods. She doesn’t blame her for not being too thrilled at the possibility of Ryujin and Chris Drama Part II – hell, <em>she’s </em>not too thrilled at that prospect either and that’s why she left her phone on the counter, away from her, hoping that it will also keep thoughts of Chris away.</p><p class="">This plan mostly worked for since she’s got her hands full with the café until she comes home to a new message containing a picture of a familiar yellow paper bag of donuts.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>Remember this?</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">Ryujin couldn’t help but smile.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>Of course I do!</em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>Which ones did you get?</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">It isn’t long before another message comes through with a picture, followed by a message.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>PB &amp; J. And PB &amp; J.</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">She laughs and replies.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>No jam doughies?</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">It takes a few minutes before a message arrived.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>No one’s here to eat it.</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">Walker’s Doughnuts was one of their go-to haunts back in Melbourne. Anytime either of them came across a branch, they’d always buy one PB &amp; J and one jam donut – one for him and one for her. She doesn’t let herself think too much of it before replying.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>You could always eat it.</em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>Best jam doughnut in the world!</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">She shoves her phone into her bag as she walks out of the café. She’s in the subway when she opens the thread and types another message.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>How’s Melb?</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">His reply comes when she walks into the door of her empty apartment.</p><p class=""> </p><p class=""><em>Freezing! </em><em>☹</em> <em>But beautiful as always.</em></p><p class="">
  <em>I’ve probably gained a few kilos.</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">By the time she replies to his message, she’s already lying down in bed in her pajamas.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>That sounds about right.</em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>Have you been to Manchester Press?</em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>Please have their avo smash bagel on my behalf.</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">She sees the three dots appear on his end and doesn’t put her phone away, watching the screen for a new message.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>Will do that next week when I’m back in Melb.</em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>Heading to the airport now. Flying to Sydney</em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>to see the fam!</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">She smiles. She could hear his excitement from the text.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>Say hi to everyone for me! </em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>Tell Felix I’m looking forward to his next</em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>IG Live cooking session.</em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>I’m heading to bed. Early day tomorrow.</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">She yawns and closes her eyes for a moment, mentally organizing her to-do list for tomorrow. Her phone buzzes.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>8pm??</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">She chuckles. She’s never been a night owl and it had been hard for her to manage during her university days.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>I always sleep early, you know this.</em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>But we’re catering for an event, </em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>so need to set up at 5.</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">His reply comes almost instantly.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>AM????</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">She laughs.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>Yes. Your bedtime, right?</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">His inhuman sleeping schedule was one of the things she fussed about back then. She’d always ask him to always get six hours of sleep and he would just grin in response. Her phone buzzes and she sees a grinning emoji, followed by a string of words.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>Goodnight. Good luck for tomorrow.</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">She replies with a smiling emoji.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>Thanks. Safe travels.</em>
</p><p class="">***</p><p class="">Chris stares at his phone on the kitchen island, willing for it to light up with a text message but it is staying blissfully dark.</p><p class="">“Who are you waiting to hear from?” Felix asks, pouring milk into his bowl, “New project?”</p><p class="">“I wish,” he says. <em>Because that would’ve been way easier to deal with than this, </em>he adds in his head.</p><p class="">“Are you in touch with Ryujin?” he asks, reminded of the text she sent him last night. He knew that they have mutual friends, but he didn’t expect his younger brother to be one of them. “Ryujin noona? Yeah,” Felix answers easily before lowering his gaze, “Why do you ask?”</p><p class="">Chris looks down on his bowl, intimidated, and struck by the protectiveness in his brother’s voice. He’d always known that Felix got along well with Ryujin, but he didn’t realize how much. Felix made it clear back then that he wasn’t happy with their breakup. Although he didn’t share all of the details, Felix knew enough to blame him for it.</p><p class="">“I met her in Seoul a few weeks ago,” he says, pushing his cereal around with the spoon, “She owns a café now.” Felix nods, “Yeah. It looks really good. I’m planning to visit when I go to Korea for our cousin’s wedding.”</p><p class="">Just then, his phone buzzes.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>Fucking onions.</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">She sent a picture of what must be thousands and thousands of onions that makes him grin. Back when they were in Melbourne, she started working part-time at a restaurant and for the first week, all she did was peel and chop onions; she came home every night with puffy eyes. He remembers a particularly dramatic phone call where she was angrily crying because her hair still smelled like onions despite washing it twice after work. The pressure of studying something she hates and starting this new job was just too much and she had had it.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>Need me to come over with the necessities?</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">Back then, he had been stunned to receive that call and made the wise decision to rush over to her apartment with a tub of Ben &amp; Jerry’s Cherry Garcia and pizza. Since then, anytime she’s having a particularly awful day, she’d send him the onion emoji and he knew immediately to come over armed with supplies.</p><p class="">She replies with an eye-roll emoji.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>I feel like I need to get out of here</em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>before someone asks me to peel and julienne them.</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">He grins before typing out a reply. A while later, when he puts his phone down, he wonders if this is okay – to exchange flirty messages like this.</p><p class="">Ever since he dropped her off at her house a few weeks ago, he’d been fighting the urge to message her. He got her phone number from Ayeon who told him in no uncertain terms that she will physically harm him if Ryujin cancels on their wedding because of him.</p><p class="">After their first cake tasting, Ayeon and Brian had essentially interrogated him over what happened between them. So he told them about how he had been absolutely miserable at his job at the consulting firm. He had never wanted to study business in the first place, just like Ryujin.</p><p class="">“Looking back at it now, I think I was projecting my own guilt and shame onto her. I took out my unhappiness, my frustration, my embarrassment – everything on her,” he sighed. “She was really, really great. She even sent me cookies in the mail. She put in every effort to make our long-distance relationship work,” he smiled at the memory of how proud he was to bring her parcel to work, bragging to all his co-workers about her. “But I just… didn’t. I couldn’t. I was too focused on my own misery and I became an absolute jerk. I went out every chance I could to just drown out how shitty I was feeling – how shitty my life was. I stopped answering her phone calls, stopped talking to her about anything,” he continued, “I flew out to Sydney and that was when she confronted me about everything.” He could still recall the expression on her face when she asked if he still loves her. And the look on her face when he didn’t answer.</p><p class="">Now, looking at his phone on the table, he wrestles with his own feelings of guilt and excitement. He wants to keep talking to her because it makes him happy but he’s also constantly reminded of a version of himself that he’s not proud of – the version of himself that hurt everyone in his orbit because of his own misery.</p><p class="">He continues to mull this over during his short stay for the next few days and it wasn’t until he’s on his way to the airport with Felix that he verbalizes his concerns.</p><p class="">“What do you think I should do?” he asks.</p><p class="">Felix is staring straight ahead at the road and when he finally answers, his voice is level and cutting, “You need to apologize.”</p><p class="">“I just… I just don’t know if I deserve to even be able to talk to her again,” Chris continues.</p><p class="">Felix shakes his head, “That’s not for you to decide. But you need to apologize to her. You are sorry, right?”</p><p class="">“Of course!” he answers quickly, “I was sorry the moment she broke up with me.”</p><p class="">Felix hums quietly for a moment, “Why didn’t you say sorry to her then?”</p><p class="">“I don’t know. I was young. Stupid. Pretty angry at everyone and everything, but mostly myself,” he sighs and looks out the window, “By the time I got my shit figured out, so much time passed. And…”</p><p class="">They let the silence linger. Chris knows that his brother is right. He needs to man up and just apologize to her, even if it means damaging whatever friendly relationship they have now. He owes her that much.</p><p class="">“Don’t fuck it up again,” Felix tells him before he gets off the car and he nods.</p><p class="">***</p><p class="">Ryujin is doing the last bits of prep for tomorrow’s macarons when one of her employees comes to tell her that someone is looking for her. She looks at the clock and wonders who might be looking for her at 11:00 pm. The café is closing soon and she’s pretty sure she didn’t schedule any meetings. But she washes her hands and heads out anyway.</p><p class="">“Hi!” Chris greets her, dimples and all, and she couldn’t help but reciprocate. She sees the yellow paper bag and walks over to his table.</p><p class="">It’s been weeks of a fairly regular text exchange between them – nothing too intense but definitely flirty. Their conversation flowed naturally and she’s reminded of why they got together in the first place. They were best friends first and foremost, and when they broke up, she mourned the loss of not just a boy she loved but also her best friend.</p><p class="">“I bring fresh donuts.”</p><p class="">She opens the bag and sees two donuts – one for her and one for him.</p><p class="">“I bought it this morning, so it is as fresh as it could possibly be after a fourteen-hour flight,” he says proudly.</p><p class="">She grabs her donut and takes a bite, “Delicious.”</p><p class="">He eats his and he tells her about his trip. It was full of mostly business meetings with a little bit of family time in between. His company’s been hired to run a marketing campaign for a company that his old friend from JP Morgan just started. His eyes light up excitedly as he tells her how big of a project this is for their burgeoning company.</p><p class="">“I’m boring you, right?” he asks after a while and she shakes her head. “How are you getting home tonight?” he glances at his watch. She can see her employees starting to clean up. She considers for a moment before answering, “Can you give me a ride?”</p><p class="">He lights up and nods, “I would’ve insisted.”</p><p class="">She smiles and excuses herself to grab her things. When she got on the passenger seat and straps in, she notices the worry lines on his forehead. He hasn’t started the car and doesn’t seem to intend on doing so for the moment.</p><p class="">“Are you okay?” she asks, noticing how hard he’s gripping the steering wheel.</p><p class="">He doesn’t answer immediately and Ryujin is about to ask him again when he finally speaks.</p><p class="">“I’m sorry…” he starts.</p><p class="">“For driving me home?” she asks.</p><p class="">He gives a joyless laugh and shakes his head, “No. Never for that.”</p><p class="">He’s quiet again for a moment.</p><p class="">“I’m sorry about what happened to us. I was terrible to you and I hurt you and I’m just so sorry for that.”</p><p class="">Ryujin leans back on her seat, surprised. Of all the things she expects him to say, this is not it.</p><p class="">“It was a long time ago,” she starts, “I mean… I’ve wondered a few times about what happened to us. We were so in love and I thought we were happy – at least I was. I mean… it was hard but we loved each other.”</p><p class="">She looks out the empty alleyway. Ever since they reconnected, she hasn’t put much thought into all of <em>this.</em> About them in this sense. Perhaps she’s been happily pretending to have this be just a rekindling of their friendship. It’s certainly been easier that way. But now that he’s brought this up, she realizes how much she’s been holding back these past few weeks – all the questions and feelings that he inspires that she hasn’t been willing to acknowledge for fear of ruining whatever it is they have now.</p><p class="">“It felt like… you just stopped. You stopped being yourself. You stopped caring about yourself and about me and about us. You stopped loving me and I…” she looks down at her hands on her lap.</p><p class="">“I didn’t stop loving you,” he says, “I acted like I did and I’m so sorry for that. And for everything else. I stopped showing you much you mean to me. There’s not a day goes by since then that I don’t spend kicking myself for making you feel like you’re not important to me, because you are.”</p><p class="">“Were,” she corrects him.</p><p class="">“You are. Present. You still are,” he says firmly.</p><p class="">She looks up and sees her feelings reflected in his eyes – regret, hopefulness, affection, fear.</p><p class="">“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry,” he says again, closing his eyes and the sigh he utters sounds like a ton of bricks.</p><p class="">“I’m sorry too,” she whispers. She knew the toll that that job had taken on him, physically and mentally. But at 21 and just starting her career in the kitchen, she didn’t know what to do.</p><p class="">“But you’re not that guy anymore,” she says, “And I’m not that girl anymore too.”</p><p class="">He shakes his head, “And I’m never gonna be that guy anymore. Left him behind at JP Morgan.”</p><p class="">She chuckles, “I left her behind in Sydney too.”</p><p class="">“I want to know everything,” he starts, “What happened in Sydney and how you started this,” he gestured at the now-dark windows of the café.”</p><p class="">“We have time to catch up,” she says, leaning back more comfortably on her seat. There’s an easiness in the air that wasn’t there a moment ago. The heaviness that she didn’t even know was in her chest is now gone and she feels lighter.</p><p class="">“We do?” he turns to her, surprised.</p><p class="">So she turns to him and nods. “Can we start tomorrow though? It is way way way past my bedtime,” she stifles a yawn.</p><p class="">He laughs and starts his car, “Yes, grandma.”</p><p class="">The car ride to her place is quiet – comfortably quiet. She catches him glancing at her a few times with a smile and she can’t help but do the same. She’s not surprised that things easily return to normal for them. With him, it’s always this easy.</p><p class="">When his car stops at her place, he gets off the car and walks her to the lobby.</p><p class="">She considers for a moment before finally asking, “Can I have a hug?”</p><p class="">This was something he often did back then, to ask for a hug. He’d text her this when he’s having a rough day. Or when he’s battling with statistics at the library. Or when he’s just gotten off the phone with his dad. On most occasions, she’d come as soon as she could and just run into his embrace, saying nothing. In their years of knowing each other, it was always him that asks for this. So the look of surprise on his face now is understandable. But he steps closer and pulls her into his arms. She wraps her arms around his torso and allows herself to melt into him as she did back then.</p><p class="">“Thank you,” she hears him say and she nods, “Thank you. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear all that.”</p><p class="">She feels him embrace her tighter before stepping back, a soft and warm smile on his lips and she can’t help but reciprocate.</p><p class="">When she lies down in bed an hour later, she opens her phone to a text message from him.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>Can I reserve a slice of my</em>
</p><p class="">
  <em>grumpy cake for tomorrow’s dinner?</em>
</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">They had made plans to have dinner tomorrow at a restaurant of his choosing – he said it’s a surprise.</p><p class=""> </p><p class="">
  <em>Sure. See you tomorrow :)</em>
</p>
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